Ok so now its time to play a little game of spot the difference. It’s a game that is impossible to avoid during the 2ww. The past few days have been spent reflecting and drawing up comparisons or differences between this IVF cycle and my previous ones.
The biggest one is if I can make it through today without any blood then this will mark the biggest difference for me as it will mean I’ve past the point where I started bleeding with previous IVFs. Of course this means nothing really as it is probably all the meds that I’m on thats holding back AF and it definitely does not mean I’m pregnant. So remind me, what was the point in playing this game again?
Other things that I’ve done differently this time are:
1) Taking it EASY. I am a person who is easily filled with guilt so it has not been easy to step away from my busy job and life and let my husband pick up the slack. But I did it and I’m super glad I did.
2) Acupuncture. I had acupuncture just before and immediately after transfer and it is the first time that I havent had horrible cramping immediately after transfer. I don’t know what this means but I never felt it was right on previous IVFs that my body seemed like it was rejecting the embryo seconds after it was put back. Any time over the past few weeks that I’ve felt myself getting carried away with my over active brain I’ve imagined myself back at that acupuncture table and pictured my zen being beautifully aligned. I don’t even know what it means to have your zen aligned but hey, don’t argue with what works right?
3) Flare Protocol. This is a new protocol for me and it was supposed to be ideal for low responders like me. Not that it went according to plan, as it very nearly turned into a disaster at retrieval but, whatever.
4) Double trigger. This was supposed to overcome the fact that last time my eggs were hard to retrieve and I had a lot of ‘empty’ follicles. I don’t think it helped as we still only ended up with only one egg, but who knows maybe we wouldn’t have had that single egg if it wasn’t for the double trigger? Imagine zero eggs, that would be so much worse.
5) Extra meds. Post transfer I have been taking heparin injections twice daily (to assist with implantation and blood clotting issues), Dexamethasone (to cancel out any undiagnosed auto immune issues that may be lurking), Estradoil Valerate three times a day (to keep my E2 levels up). As well as this I’ve also been on the normal regime of high dose folic acid, progesterone pessaries three times a day, pregnancy multi vitamins and fish oil caps. Will they help? I don’t know but it has been worth it for me to at least give these drugs a chance. I feel like we are trying everything we can with this cycle and that has helped me not slip into the depths of paranoia during this 2ww.
But all the analysing and comparing in the world does not give me the answer I really want. And now that BT day looms closer I find myself wishing it would never come. I am so scared of a negative result that I would rather stay here in ignorant land than get a negative result. I have a conditioned response to the words “blood test” and just the thought of waiting in the room to get my blood drawn brings back all the previous times I’ve sat in that same room over the past 4 years. Medlab should do something for repeat customers like me, surely they could find an incentive programme that would make going there less gloomy. Maybe if they stamped a card each time I went there and after 10 visits I got a free hamper like this one here then it would feel less depressing!
PS – Still sending good luck and loving hugs to my cycle buddies Hope Springs & Shell. And also sending strength and massive congratulations to Sonja who just saw 4 heart beats in her first scan!!! FOUR.
I’m waiting for my period folks. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
